I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
