what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
