Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
