i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize