swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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