the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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