I look better un-naked...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
