So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize