i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
