I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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