then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
