my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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