My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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