My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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