Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
