I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
