Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
