have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
