She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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