I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
