My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
