I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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