you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
