Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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