i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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