I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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