i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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