I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
