All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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