I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
