I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
