someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
