Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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