it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
