this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
