ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
