Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
