I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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