You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Randomize
