i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
