chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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