I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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