From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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