I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
