you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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