I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
