Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
