I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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