y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
