me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
