goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
