god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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