Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
