I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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