i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
