My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
