I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
