Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
