oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
