She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
farters have to be the big spoon...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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