hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
