I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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