just come out here and I will go home with you...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize