I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
