I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize