Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She's like a pop up book from hell.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
