I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize